Reflections from the confines of a quilt...

Day 4 and it finally emerges that I have a stomach bug!! According to the doctor the effect of the bug will be magnified significantly by my IBS. I have had 'the poos' (nice!) since 8am, as the stomach bug had basically sat dormant (well, not dormant exactly, I have been in bed since Monday in agony!) in my gut (effect of the IBS) for three days!! Ouch. I am relieved to know what is going on, but I have had an excruciatingly painful day and have managed to eat a grand total of 1.5 slices of toast which will thrill the doctors I'm sure... Not! JT also had to work from home as by midday I could not walk to the toilet without help which could have presented a problem... It will also probably take longer than most to recover from, as now the IBS is like to take over and get a share of the action. UGH. Such a great word!!

Anyway, on the plus side, it has given me some time to reflect upon life, the Universe and things in between! At 4am I was lying awake in a lot of pain and asking the Lord why on earth He didn't just 'say the word' and take the whole lot away? I actually even thought that maybe He didn't want me well (idiot). I think my brain was a little mangled at this stage due to lack of sleep/exhaustion from pain.

Well anyway, it is always at moments like these that the Lord performs a classic. He has pushed us to our edge (which for me probably wasn't very far) and then bends down and whispers in our ear. What did He say exactly? The words of a worship song that I hadn't heard for ages... "this is who I'm meant to be, I know you have chosen me, I can never turn away from this truth. Let the storms rage on outside, let the day turn into night, there is nothing else that I would rather do, Jesus I was born to spend this life with you". Now don't get me wrong, I genuinely don't believe that the Lord intends for me to be ill, rather He was reminding me that He has chosen us and that He wins the battles. "For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, (so why am I fighting so hard against a poxy stomach bug really?!) but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places," EPH 6:12.

Perspective refreshed (or at least it was when I remembered it this evening *cough*, I put on the Surrender album, where the song is from, as it is one of my favourite worship albums to this day. It was then that I started to take in more truths about what matters in this world. This is amongst those truths:

Father you’re all I need
My soul's sufficiency
My strength when I am weak
The love that carries me
You arms enfold me till I am only
A child of God

It reminded me of when I started Uni. I was terrified. Not only because it was a big scary new experience, but particularly because I was challenged about how my life looked as a reflection of Jesus. Sometimes we make the mistake in ministry of 'gobbing it' (for want of a better phrase!) If we lead or are responsible for anyone, then there is a natural respect (hopefully) that they have for us. It is all to easy to sit down and write a talk, take some holy quotes, humourous anecdotes and divine-inspired insight and proclaim it from a stage, in a small group, etc. However, it is not easy to mirror your 'gob' in every area of your life and to live and act like Jesus in every situation (particularly when driving!)

To the average gobby like myself, the way that I live my life at Uni will speak more to those around me than preaching because if I do not live up to what I preach then they will label me a hypocrite.

We get so wound up in what we do, church politics, people offending us, etc etc and what we seem to forget is God. I had been considering starting leading some worship again and worrying as to how I would manage/what it would entail/whether 'I' was good enough etc. Curled up in a ball on the bed burning my stomach with the tenth hot water bottle of the day, I laughed at myself. Patience is a virtue I can tell you, I wish I had more of it. The God said those words... He is my soul's sufficiency, my strength when I am weak (ok so that is now), the love that carries me. His arms enfold me till I am only a child of God. What was I at that moment apart from a child of God? Till I am only a child of God. That is what matters. He will lead the rest.