BU**ER BOGNOR!!

I have been conducting a University project on the British seaside and in particular, Bognor Regis. The beauty of art courses/careers, is that you can more or less do what you want. I had to come up with three presentational methods to client visual standard for my finalised concept. My tutors wanted me to run wit the idea that was really complicated which frustrated me so much, that I made my other idea a little 'silly'...

I decided to make a mockery of tourist information leaflets by creating one that promoted all the bad stuff about the British seaside as if it was good. The images were 1950's style of people having 'marvellous fun'. The headline on the inside said "HEAPS OF FUN!" On the back was a headline saying "POOL BATHING!" The resulting effect is that when you fold the back inwards to read it, the new headline reads "HEAPS OF POO" !! Teehee... Let's see if they notice that one. The inside would be my family's reflections on Bognor, which they have all kindly supplied me with.

Being a typography project, I had to include a lot of writing, so, for your amusement, here is the copy. For anyone who has ever been to Bognor, I'm sure you will understand:

"Mother knows best when it comes to a summer outing... Bognor beach will never disappoint. Nothing beats a sandy sandwich from the Boat House Restaurant followed by a good cup of parish tea from St Mary's. The sandwich is inedible and the tea tastes like dishwater, but it is all a frightfully good wheeze and all in the name of good wholesome fun!

Visit Bognor's magnificent pier, with oodles of amusements lacking, in fact, it is jolly dull! However if "dull" is preceded by "jolly" then surely it an only be a smashingly fine thing!

Re-live the war in Marcelli's cafe - you are guaranteed to be smoked out of your seat by an intelligent reconstruction of the smoke bomb - the comfortable old cigarette - what a WICKED habit! If this educational incentive isn't enough to whet your appetite, you can also pay 'through the nose' for your food... Remarkable! (Only witnessed previously in the Russian Circus that visits once a decade).

Could Bognor appear any more spectacular?? We have not yet mentioned the seaside experience that is totally unique to Great Britain. Ladies, you must wear respectable clothing in order that dignity is not lost upon the inevitable gust of wind which will leave your good frock billowing like a yachtsman's sail above your head. All vision, co-ordination and dignity will be lost and you will be flailing for a good while until a respectable gentleman with no ulterior motives, comes to your aid.

Gentlemen, be ready to retrieve your underpants as the aforementioned gust positions them neatly upon the groynes of the West Sussex council for all to see. They will return with an oily brown stain that wasn't there before...

Drat and bother! Did you forget your poop scoop for dear Penny the poodle?? Fear not, Butch and Shania the Staffordshire bull terriers have already performed their stools upon the sand, so little Penny and her delicate constitution are at liberty to make as much mess as they desire! In fact, you may find that father has just sat in some...

Who needs sunshine? This is Blighty! IT WILL RAIN. Hurrah! Another sporting opportunity to wear shorts with a raincoat! If there wasn't rain it just would not be cricket!

The putting green is simply spiffing, all the numbers have faded from the starting points and there are plenty of rabbit holes to add to the challenge. What a laugh for an afternoon's antics! You will be amazed when you discover that the end has fallen off your putter and your balls are nowhere to be seen...

Wherever would we be without shabby souvenir shops selling candy bosoms and plastic swords? What an intriguing selection of gifts to take back for grandmother! Alternatively one could send a postcard of "Bognor by night" which is the ultimate in sales conmanship - a plain black postcard!! Exquisite.

Elderly persons line the streets of Bognor like a fine patchwork quilt. In fact, viewed from above, one could quite easily mistake them for said patchwork due to the stupendous array of purple rinses offered by "Karizma hair salon".

Woe and betide you if you should brave the sea scouts jumble sale of Felpham... The aforementioned pensioners-come-bulldozers make the most of their sea air and witness a new lease of life! However, in their new life, they have become man-eating vultures, eager to get their bony fingers on a new piece of seaside bric-a-brac for the mantelpiece. This procedure works on a two year cycle. Every two years they buy their own junk back! What entrepreneurialism!

The little "Thomas" train is a ripping great frolick for a gay afternoon. Pay your tuppence and ride from felpham to Bognor in style! Parents will scream at their children whilst their children just... scream...

Do visit Boggers! Life is not fulfilled until hours have been spent, paddling in the drizzly rain (the stubborn British will do anything out of pride!), eating melted ice-cream from your wrist (it has long since left the cornet!) and trying to get sand out from between your toes.

....As you can see I was stressed with this brief!