Old ladies... A law unto themselves!

Old ladies. Exist? Yes. Sweet? Innocent?? NO! I think that they are actually forming an uprising at the moment and becoming a new species. Take rad Gran for example... She is 80 years old and I have just bought her a mobile phone for Christmas. What is going on?? She attends a mysterious 'club' called "Happy Circle" and I have no idea what they actually do there. I reckon they are training old ladies in preparation to take over the world.

What proof have I got that old ladies are taking over the world? Well, for starters they say that 'it is always the quiet ones' and indeed it is! Woe and betide the innocent twenty-something that crosses an old lady in a post office queue!! The pension is a mission and it will not be inhibited by ANYBODY! Suddenly the little fluffy hat in the corner starts to mutter and grunt, expressing agitation at being made to wait so long to get money in order to go and buy the weekly coffee morning Angel Slices. Before you know it, you have received a sharp blow to the backs of the knees with a shopping bag and a poke with a walking stick in the anti-social regions and she is in front of you!! You try to both express and conceal your annoyance with a Christian 'pursed lipped' restraining order but she is now fumbling helplessly in her purse for a card, seemingly completely bewildered by the chip and pin phenomenon.

She spends a further fifteen minutes chatting to the assistant about the stamps 'not being like they used to be you know' and how her plumber has let her down again lately before shuffling out of the shop with (surely not?!) a smug look on her face?!!

The next proof can be found in the humble charity shop, where the Parma Violet mass of cuddly old lady-ness who can barely walk turns into a full-blown bulldozer! She knows that she wants those rose bath crystals and NOTHING is going to stop her. You are sifting through some clothes on a rail searching for a fancy dress costume and suddenly your fingers are mashed to a pulp by JCB Granny who is obliviously farming the coat hangers in order to find a second-hand nightie!

As if more proof could be required at this stage, there are many myths associated with Grannies that simply are not true. The first is that they don't eat many sweet things. FACT: Most Grannies have dentures. REASON: They eat LOADS of cake!!! I have watched old ladies pack away more cake than I possibly could and where do they put it?? Well there is another mysrtery.

Another myth: Old ladies are not really with it and can easily be conned by salesmen. This again is not true - most salesmen are terrified of my Granny who has a very definite 'gift of the gab' and know full well that if they give her a bad deal, the neighbourhood will know about it. My great Granny (when she was alive) once won the Grand National, only she couldn't be bothered to go and put any money on they horses she picked - what power! (Not that I gamble...) I am digging the old lady logic, they can get away with anything!! What is going on? Has anyone else noticed this?